


How do you live when nobody wants you to live?

by iTookJiminsJams



Series: Lucas angst/sick [3]
Category: NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, It's pretty angsty ok?, Lucas Sick, Lucas angst, Lucas is sad, Mentioned Byun Baekhyun, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sweet Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, WayV take care of Lucas, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas-centric, Wong Yukhei Sick, Wong Yukhei angst, hate comments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28257348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iTookJiminsJams/pseuds/iTookJiminsJams
Summary: How do you live, when nobody wants you to live?How do you see yourself in the mirror when what you see is what they want you to see?How do you think if you can no longer differentiate between your thoughts and their opinions?Or,Lucas starts getting a lot of hate and starts spiralling down an unhealthy cycle of self-hatred, but NCT is there to help.⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️It includes mentions of blood, self-harm, eating disorders, anxiety attacks so please if any of these topics are triggering for you do not read this :)
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Taeyong/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Liu Yang Yang/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Qian Kun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas & Everyone, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Everyone, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Series: Lucas angst/sick [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1863784
Comments: 48
Kudos: 166





	1. My Brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so so so so, this is like a..."testing chapter" ig, like if this does well or if I see that there's at least a human being that likes it, I'll publish more of the story, if not, well I won't or maybe I'll edit it and try again xd.
> 
> But yeah, 
> 
> Quick disclaimer: This story surrounds the whole Baekhyun/Lucas issue. The one about weigh. I am in no way saying that saying "As heavy as a pig" was right or justifying what he said but, BUT, A. They are adults I think they can solve their issues or problems by themselves and B. I think there are better ways to educate people other than sending death threats and hate, but maybe that's just me idk.

He was joking, playing around, fooling with his friends, but apparently, not everyone saw it like that. Maybe...maybe he had really hurt his hyung maybe he WAS a terrible human being and everything everyone had been saying for the past month was true.

His fingers slid through the screen, his face was illuminated by the dim light of the phone and his tears sparkled in the dark. Comment after comment, DM after DM and he could feel his heart crushing as if it was in someone's hand and that someone had decided it was suddenly useless. 

"You dare call someone pig when you can't be fatter, you should probably look at yourself in the mirror before judging someone else,"

"Do you even have a fucking brain? How is it possible for someone to be so dumb,"

"Nobody loves you,"

"You should at least learn how to speak first,"

"Are you going to fat-shame your fans next?"

"YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!"

"Why don't you go and die? You would be doing the world a favour,"

"I'm going OT22, nobody needs you,"

"Fat,"

"You should just kill yourself,"

........I know. 

He knew, he now knew he was a terrible human being, he was dumb and useless and he couldn't even speak properly, he had been wrong, he was always wrong. He choked on his tears, not wanting to wake up Winwin who was sleeping peacefully on the other side of the room. 

Tears rolled down his cheeks, soaking his pillow just like words swam through his mind soaking his brain. 

When this all started, he had gone to his hyung, asking for forgiveness, with tears on his eyes and shaky hands. He had been assured that he hadn't hurt anyone, that if he ever did, they would tell him and they would talk it out, he was told not to overthink and not to take other people's opinions too harshly. That didn't stop the comments, nor the DMs and more importantly, it didn't stop his thoughts and his mind from constantly attacking him. 

Xuxi knew that none of those comments was true or right but, after months of people drilling into his brain that he was not worth anything, he didn't even know what was true and what was not. His brain was a muddle of thoughts and, if he was being completely honest, we could no longer differentiate between his own thoughts and people's opinions. 

He curled up on himself with his phone still in his hands. Tears rolled down freely just like they had been doing every night for the past month. His body shook slightly at the small sobs that escaped his mouth, his knuckles turned white from grabbing his phone too strong and even though he tried, for the sake of Winwin's sleep, small whimpers still forced their way out of his lips. 

His phone vibrated in his hands, he had muted Instagram and Twitter notifications so, he didn't think those were the causes of the sudden vibrations, even if probably hundreds of DMs were coming in, plus, it was already past midnight and everyone in the dorm was asleep so the unexpected notification piqued his curiosity. 

Slowly, he opened his phone and logged out of the app he had been in before. He stared at his phone's screen and found the culprit for the interruption of his misery. It was his KakaoTalk, and to be more specific, his manager had texted him, at freaking 2:00 in the morning. An exasperated sigh managed its way out of the boy's mouth and he reluctantly opened the message. 

"Lucas, tomorrow we'll have a meeting, we have something important to discuss. Go straight to the meeting's office when you arrive please,"

Xuxi's heart sank, that was it, they were going to kick him out of the group for being too annoying, too stupid, too dumb, rude, selfish. Thought after thought attacked his mind and like that, even when he tried, sleep didn't come to him, his mind was too clouded to even think about going to sleep. 

The next day came, without Yukhei noticing, sunlight was bathing the room, gently shining on his face and when he looked at the clock a big, green 7 greeted him. He just lied there for some minutes before carefully sitting up. He let his legs dangle at the edge of his bed for a bit before standing up and going to wake up Winwin who still slept peacefully. 

He shook the boy carefully. Winwin's face contortioned in a displeased expression and Xuxi laughed slightly, Winwin was really cute at the end of the day. Little by little the older boy woke up and flashed a tired smile to Xuxi who replied with a small smile of his own. 

"It's weird seeing you up before me," Winwin said jokingly yet questioning the boy at the same time. 

"I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep, so here we are," he said, one of his characteristic smiles adorning his face. Winwin hummed in response, not quite pleased with the answer but letting it slide anyways. 

They showered, got dressed, had breakfast and soon, they were leaving the dorm to go to the company building. Xuxi saw the black van waiting for them in front of their dorms and his stomach sank for a second when he remembered where he had to go once he arrived at the company. 

The driver and manager greeted them and they parted. Xuxi was listening to what the other boys were saying when suddenly their manager threw the bomb. 

"Lucas, remember we have to go to the meeting I mentioned before when we arrive," he said, not even looking up from his phone. 

Xuxi froze while the rest of the members looked at him, questioning looks being thrown. Kun was looking at him especially confused, but Xuxi knew he was seeking for answers. He swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled.

"The manager just told me yesterday that we had to discuss something today. I don't really know what we have to "discuss" though so I'm just as lost as you guys," he said in mandarin so that their manager couldn't understand what he was explaining. He wasn't sure why but he just didn't want their manager to know what he was telling the others. 

The rest of the members nodded, some smiled slightly, and others just wore a serious and confused expression. 

After what seemed like forever, they arrived at the company building. Upon entering, they parted their own ways, Xuxi going with their manager while the others went to their respective vocal and rap practices. 

Xuxi walked slowly behind the manager, his head hung low wanting nothing but to make himself smaller. A million thoughts crossed his mind, the comments in his photos, in their videos, the DMs on his Instagram, every single word and phrase that had been said to him that month, crossed his mind and that just made everything scarier. His hands had started to shake slightly and, by the time they arrived at their destination, he was already holding back tears. 

His manager opened the door revealing their dance instructor, one of the people of the board of directors, and finally, one of their stylists. Xuxi bowed profusely and sat awkwardly on the chair that was assigned to him. 

They waited in complete silence for a second before his manager spoke. 

"Lucas we are here because we have been reading some of the articles and comments posted about you by netizens and we have come to realize that many are disappointed and displeased with the way you look on stage and your body in general," he said as if it was the most normal thing ever. 

None of them realized how Xuxi's skin became pale and how his eyes watered. He knew he wasn't the best of the best, but, he thought that at least, people enjoyed seeing him on stage just as much as he enjoyed being on it. He had always thought that even though he wasn't the best, his stage presence could make up for it. He had always thought that maybe if he worked hard enough, he could be liked by people watching them but apparently, he had been completely wrong.

"So Lucas, based on that, we consider appropriate for you to start a stricter diet so that you can look more...well, like an idol," 

"Like an idol" 

What did that even mean? 

He thought. 

It was then that he realized that maybe all the comments about his body and his appearance, all those comments that he had tried so hard to ignore and invalidate as "fake", were true. He noticed that he was not part of NCT, he had never been and he never will because everyone in NCT was kind and funny and hardworking but, most importantly, they were strong, they wouldn't have almost gone into a mental breakdown just because someone said they had to start a diet. It was normal in the industry for people to be constantly on diets and trying to look better so why couldn't he just suck it up and realize that if they considered it appropriate then it must be for a reason, then it must be because all of those comments were right. 

The stylist spoke then, pulling Xuxi out of his thoughts. 

"We, the team of stylists and I, also believe that outfits and makeup will look much, much better if you start with this diet so please follow it strictly," she said while stretching her hand towards the boy. 

"Please, hand me your phone," 

Ah? 

That was all that crossed through his mind before reluctantly giving his unlocked phone to the stylist who then gave it to his manager. He saw the manager type some things and, after 5 minutes, he had his phone back. 

"I just wrote in your phone the diet plan for the next month and, I installed an app that will help you count the calories you have eaten per day. The goal weight for the month is written under the diet plan as well. That would be all you can go now," 

He had said that as if it was the easiest thing to say to somebody and not something that just broke Xuxi a little. He knew that it wasn't really a big deal but, for some reason, he just couldn't get rid of the lump in his throat or of the horrible feeling that overwhelmed him. He said "Thank you" and quickly left the room. 

He walked through the white halls without direction. His feet were moving without his command, and, suddenly, he found himself inside the bathroom and throwing up everything he had eaten that day. He couldn't stop the tears from running freely down his cheeks and his mind from running wild in the lane of comments that it had stored. He knew that he was exaggerating, he knew that many idols had been put through worse things, but for some reason that he couldn't understand, he just felt weak and useless and oh so guilty because now he knew how it felt to be said something like "As heavy as a pig" when every single comment out there said so as well. His rational part knew that his hyung hadn't been offended, that he hadn't hurt anyone, but, if everyone said he had, if everyone thought he was what they said he was, maybe he had and, maybe he was because, if the comments about his body and weight were true, what prevented other comments not to be true? 

At this point, the amount of oxygen that he was receiving was not enough. He felt as if his lungs were burning, and his thoughts were taking over him. He shakingly took his phone out of his pocket and dialled Kun's number. After 5 rings, the leader answered and before he could say anything, a broken and croaky voice resonated through the speaker. 

"Gege," it slipped out of Xuxi's lips, only above a whisper. 

"Xuxi?! Xuxi what's wrong?!" Kun said, panic filling his voice. 

"Gege I-I can't breathe," he said, gasping for air. He heard the panicked voices on the other side of the line but didn't pay much attention to them as he was mainly concentrating on the excruciating task that had become breathing. 

"Xuxi?! Xuxi baby can you hear me?!" Kun said, worry and alarm evident in his voice. Xuxi didn't answer, he couldn't, he was in a prison of fear and pain and he didn't know how to get out so he just croaked a small, broken, attempt of an answer. 

"Bathroom" was all he said before hanging up, unable to bear the voices of the outside world plus the voices in his head. He curled up on that dirty bathroom floor, struggling to breathe as every breath felt like venom to his lungs. His whole body shook and, just before his vision went black, he saw a couple of figures approaching him and then, nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it :) 
> 
> Don't forget to leave comments and let me know if you'd like me to continue with this story. 
> 
> My first language isn't English so if there are any mistakes please forgive me xd
> 
> Luv you beautiful human beings ❤️❤️


	2. To be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait 😣 
> 
> Tbh I feel like this chapter ended up being like...a filler chapter from Naruto 😅😅
> 
> On the other hand, I think that this chapter makes Lucas give an important step in his condition and mental health and kinda explains the feelings of the others sooo yes. 
> 
> Also, I very well know that eating disorders and other mental health issues don't appear from one day to another and that anxiety attacks like the one portrayed in the previous chapter don't just appear from thin air and I understand how someone could think that that is what is happening here but it's not. The story begins almost 2 months after constantly receiving hate comments and death threats etc so his mental health already deteriorated by that point, so that's why his emotions are so intense from the begging of the story. Yeah, just wanted to clear that 
> 
> Anyways!!!
> 
> Enjoy 😊😊

Taemin and Kai were walking through the white halls of the company, just coming out of a meeting for Kai's solo and Taemin's most recent album when they heard it, a horrible sobbing sound coming from inside the bathroom, they stopped in their tracks, holding their breaths for a second before Taeming quickly rushed towards the inside of the white room. 

There, he found his dongsaeng. He was sitting in an awkward position, his head was hanging backwards, resting on the wall, skin looking as pale as the white wall behind him. 

Taemin stood there, frozen at the sight. An awful smell filled his nostrils, and he felt a soft tap on his shoulder coming from Kai and, before he noticed, his legs were moving and in a matter of seconds, he was crouched beside the unconscious boy. 

Kai dialled Ten's number, this being the only phone number he had from one of the WayV boys other than Lucas's which for obvious reasons, wasn't very useful in that situation. 

"Kai-hyung?" Ten's voice resonated across the white room, Kei being on speaker so that Taemin could also listen to the conversation. 

Kai could tell that Ten was panicked, he could tell he had been running because of his irregular breathing. "Hyung I can't talk right now, I'll call you later," the younger said, making his panic even more noticeable to Kai. Taemin looked in his direction, a worried expression decorating his face, afraid that if Ten hung up, Kai would have to leave them to go look for the WayV members. 

"No, no wait! We are with Lucas," at this, the heavy breathing from the other side of the line stopped briefly as if he had been so surprised he had stopped breathing. 

"Where?" was all Ten said, voice croaky. Kai would've cared about the lack of manners of the boy if it wasn't for the fact that he was in the company's bathroom with a slightly panicked Taemin and an unconscious Lucas. 

"The bathroom on the second floor, the one that's close to the meeting rooms," he said, and seconds later, a loud beep was heard across the line signalling the end of the call. 

He put his phone in his pocket and kneeled next to Taemin, his knees touching the cold tile floor beneath them. He placed a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder as he examined Lucas's unmoving body laying on the floor. 

"He isn't waking up Kai," Taemin said, fear clear in his voice. Kai could see the tension on his friend's shoulders, his brows furrowed, he could see his lips drawing a straight line. Seeing his friend so scared terrified him and soon, he felt his heart pounding hard against his ribs, the sound resonating in his ears and his hands shaking.

Then, he realized, he wasn't there to feel scared, he wasn't there for his hands to shake, for his eyes to water, he was there to support Taemin, to carry Lucas out of that dirty, little room and to be strong. 

He did, or at least, he tried. He placed his hands on Taemin's chin, making the boy look up to him. Kai stared into the now glossy eyes for a few seconds before speaking. 

"He's going to be ok, you know he's strong. He's probably just overworked, and some good rest will fix everything," 

A small smile was plastered on his lips, a small attempt to reassure his friend that Lucas was not looking directly into the eyes of death. 

Taemin nodded, a couple of tears spilling from his eyes before looking back at Lucas and carefully caressing his cheek. Kai stood up, he looked around looking for a place where they could lay Lucas down but found none. His head moved down again, he observed the scene below him for a few seconds before crouching and picking Lucas up bride style. Taemin quickly stood up, following Kai out of the bathroom after flushing the toilet that had been long forgotten. 

Taemin pushed the bathroom's door open just to be welcomed with 6 panicked faces looking at him, apparently with the same intentions that he had of opening said door. 

Kai stared at them, their every feature, taking in their panicked expressions before giving them, what he hoped, was a reassuring smile. The 6 boys in front of him visibly relaxed, their shoulders going down and their brows furrowing less. 

Kun approached carefully, flashing a smile towards Kai and Taemin before focusing on the unconscious boy he had looked so desperately for. He caressed the younger's boy cheek as a small smile made its way onto his face. It was evident how worried he was, but for the moment, he just seemed to be relieved of having the boy in front of him. 

"He's ok. He doesn't have a fever, but he did throw up. I think he's just overworked. Some rest should fix it." Kai said using the same calming voice he had used when he had reassured Taemin that everything was ok. 

Kun turned to look at him, a small smile on his lips and he nodded. 

"Thank you," he said, just above a whisper but Kai and Taemin heard it and replied with a smile of their own. The other WayV members slowly approached and, just like Kun had done, directed a small smile to their hyungs before turning their attention to Lucas. Taemin removed himself from the group of people, allowing the younger boys to get closer to Lucas. Kai was unable to do this as he still held the boy's body. 

Kai offered to take Lucas back to the van, and they all agreed, recognizing that none of them could really carry Xuxi's tallness on their arms. Taemin followed close, eventually standing beside Ten who was intensely looking at Lucas's limp body. 

"You okay?" Taemin asked, startling Ten in the process. The younger turned to look at him and only then did Taemin realize how teary the boy's eyes were. 

"Yeah, yeah I just..." he trailed off, leaving Taemin a bit puzzled. Ten took a deep breath before looking at Taemin again. "I was just really scared," he finally said, his voice trembling and his hands shaking ever so slightly. "You should've heard his voice when he called, he just sounded like he was in so much pain and then, he said he couldn't breathe, and I just...I just panicked," he said, his eyes filling with tears that eventually, fell prey to gravity, falling heavily on the floor and staining his porcelain cheeks. 

Taemin stopped him right there, not caring if the others kept walking towards the van and hugged Ten. He knew the other members were probably just as scared and worried but, right in that second, he just wanted to comfort Ten and tell him that everything would be ok. 

He kept Ten pressed against his chest, letting the boy sob and wet his red shirt. He stroked his hair and whispered sweet words to his ear and soon, the sobs became just small hiccups, and the violent shaking of his hands had become slight twitches here and there. He heard the shaky breaths that came out of the boy's mouth, and his sweet words didn't stop until Ten's breathing was completely normal. 

Ten let go of the tight grasp he had on his hyung's shirt and pulled away from the hug. He looked at Taemin and a small "Thank you," came out of his lips. The answer he received was a nod from Taemin and they kept walking, trying to catch up with the others who were probably, already in the van. 

\--------------------------------------  
Kun walked next to Kai when he noticed Ten's intense stare on the younger boy and how his eyes watered. Kun wanted to go there, stand next to him and hug him tightly because even if he, himself was feeling drained, worried and overall just at the verge of tears, he still had the responsibility to take care of his members, something he had failed to do with Xuxi.

He was about to walk there when he noticed Taemin talking to him and after Ten spoke, Kun saw them stop completely and hug. He was relieved that someone was taking care of the others when he wasn't in the best condition to do it himself but still, the feeling of not being enough for their members still lingered in his brain. 

A whimper pulled him out of his thoughts, and he quickly looked towards the culprit of the sound, a pair of big, brown eyes looking back at him. Kai stopped dead on his tracks and waited for Lucas to do something and when he moved awkwardly, Kai took the clue and kneeled on the floor to let Lucas sit on the wooden floor. 

Kun and Winwin were quickly by his side, Yangyang, Hendery and Xiaojun standing close, just in case. Kai stepped back a bit, just for Kun and Winwin to have a better look at Lucas, only then did he notice that Ten and Taemin were missing but soon, saw them walking rushedly towards them and the little anxiety that had started to build up settled down. 

Xuxi looked confused and scared, no, scared was an understatement, he looked absolutely terrified, like he had woken up from a terrible nightmare...which was probably the case considering how he had been before passing out. 

"Hey, Xuxi...baby?" Kun said, trying to get Xuxi to look at him. When he did, his eyes filled with tears and soon, he was in the leader's arms, ugly sobs coming out of his mouth. 

Just then, Ten arrived, taking in the scene and he too, crouched next to the sobbing boy and rubbed his back while whispering sweet nothings to his ear. The three youngest were now sitting on the floor too, offering sweet words to Xuxi. 

Once Xuxi had calmed down, and his tears were just traces of what they once had been, Kun asked:

"Baby, can you tell me what's wrong?" 

No, Kun was not stupid, he did know that Xuxi was in some sort of pain, he knew that Xuxi was suffering in some way. He knew all of this, he just needed to know exactly what was hurting the boy so badly, he needed to know exactly what was making him suffer that way.

Xuxi raised his head and looked at his ge. He contemplated what to answer. He could tell the truth of how terrible he had been feeling for the past month or so, he could tell his ge about the diet plan and just how much that affected him, he could tell him how stupid he felt, how useless, how much the hate comments pained him but, he wouldn't do that, he wasn't about to place another burden in Kun's shoulders, or in any of the group members. 

He could...he could...what the hell was he going to answer...

Before he could come up with a plan to save himself, Winwin's voice broke through the silence. 

"Xuxi, are you sick?" he said, worry seeping through his tone. 

There it was, Xuxi's life saviour. He knew, very well knew that lying to the members was wrong, he knew how that could affect them on the long run and that he shouldn't be doing what he was about to do but the more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself that this was the way to go. 

Unable to actually form the words, to actually pronounce the lie, he nodded. Winwin nodded in understanding and placed his hand on the younger's leg so that he could see that he wasn't mad, just worried. 

Xuxi turned to look at Kun, whose arms were still wrapped tightly around his body and a wave of guilt washed over him. There was too much love and understanding in those eyes for them to be directed at him. He turned his head, looking at the other members and noticed exactly the same emotions portrayed in their expressions. Their eyes filled with love and understanding and fondness and a bunch of different emotions Yukhei wasn't worthy of and so, at the new, overwhelming wave of emotions, he just lowered his head, eyes glued to the floor, and as Kun rubbed his back once more, a small whimper made its way out of his mouth. 

"Were you feeling like this in the morning?" Kun's sweet voice resonated in his ears. Another nod was the answer, physically unable to form sentences, afraid that he would throw up if he lied so shamelessly to his ge. 

Ten cooed and said, while stroking his hair, "My giant baby is sick?" again, guilt, he felt oh so guilty. He didn't deserve all that love, he wasn't worthy of any of it. He was a liar, he was stupid, a complete idiot for thinking that he could make it somewhere just with hard work, fat, and so, terribly weak, so weak he couldn't handle some comments, a couple of DMs from people he didn't even know, so weak that having to go on a diet drove him into a panic attack and so...so, nauseous. 

His interminable train of thoughts caused a rush of guilt so overwhelming that for a second, only a second, he thought he wasn't breathing. His brain sabotaged him into a dizzy, disoriented state for a mere second before he felt the contents in his stomach rising again. 

His hand flew to his mouth, and the other members immediately knew what was going on. Kun rubbed small circles on his back that for some reason, did nothing but make Xuxi more uncomfortable, but he would never tell him that. The others looked frantically for a bag, a bin, a something that could help them and, finally, Hendery's eyes landed on a trash bin just some meters away from them. 

He ran to get the bin, and in a matter of seconds, he was next to Xuxi, placing the bin just below his chin so that the boy didn't get any vomit on his shirt. 

Xuxi heaved and gagged, unable to bring anything up. He knew why that was, he knew that he was not really sick, he was just sick of himself, sick of the comments, sick of the hate, the managers, sick of seeing himself in the mirror every day, sick of...sick of life. 

Tears rolled down his cheek as his body self-sabotaged, trying to bring something, anything up but being unable to and Kun's sweet words of "It's ok, just let go," did not help at all as Xuxi knew that if he actually let go, there might be no way back.

After minutes that seemed like hours, the gagging stopped, leaving him exhausted, his eyes glossy and hands shaking. His breathing was ragged and, although he desperately tried to catch his breath, he couldn't. While seeing Xuxi struggling to catch his breath, Hendery decided to do something else.

He pulled himself closer to the boy who was now in Kun's arms again and started speaking in Cantonese.

"It's going to be ok...you're ok," he said in an undertone so that no one but Xuxi and him could hear. "Yukhei, look at me," Hendery said, making the struggling boy look up. Hendery gave Xuxi a reassuring smile and stroked his hair slightly while he continued to whisper sweet words in Cantonese for the boy. 

It was on rare occasions that Hendery used Xuxi's Cantonese name, only being pronounced when they were talking about something serious or when he could see that Xuxi was stressed, he had found the name to be somehow calming to the boy and Hendery couldn't think of a better situation to use it than in that moment. 

There, wrapped in Kun's arms and with Hendery's voice in his ears, he could breathe, oxygen finally reaching his needy lungs. He let out a shuddery breath and directed a small smile to Kunhang who answered with a bright smile of his own. 

The guilt and pain still lingered in his brain. The horrible feeling of disgust towards himself still present in his every thought but everything could be fixed, no, everything will be fixed, he just had to follow the diet, work harder than he had ever before and become strong...he could do it. Maybe, the comments could help him, he could get motivation from them, motivation to do better, to be better, to be...worthy of being called an NCT member, worthy of love. Everything would be fixed, yes.

He didn't realize how wrong he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know you can get triggered by your own story? I didn't until I started planning what would happen in the next chapter 😅😅 
> 
> Also, please refrain from posting hurtful comments, it's not necessary and if you don't like the story I urge you to just leave, there is no need to be rude or insulting. This story has a very specific purpose of making people see how powerful words can be and what you can cause when you say the wrong things so this story won't be edited or deleted because as I mentioned before, it has a purpose. I repeat, refrain from commenting insulting things, they are unnecessary and uncalled for. Thank you.
> 
> N E WAYS 
> 
> I hope you liked it! Remember you are beautiful, appreciated and that you're not alone 🥰
> 
> Ps: I discovered how to use emojis in my computer muahahaa
> 
> Luv you beautiful human beings ❤❤


	3. Who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to update I've just been really busy with school and finals but they are finally ending so now I have more time to write :)
> 
> Enjoyyyyyy 💜

His eyes fluttered open, his lashes unsticking from his caramel skin. A big, red 3 welcomed him from his clock, and a heavy sigh escaped his lips. He looked up and saw Sicheng's face in front of him, their bodies pressed against each other in that small bed. 

He couldn't remember when he fell asleep but, he did remember feeling the older boy sneaking in his bed, his warm body pressed against his cold hands, his breath in his neck, and Xuxi knew, that like that he had fallen asleep. Now that he was awake though, the warm presence was suddenly not as comforting as it had been a couple of hours ago. 

A bubble of guilt that he couldn't seem to pop reappeared inside him just by looking at his ge, eating him like a fire, inside out, non-stop. He turned around so that he wouldn't have to face his insecurities face front. He turned on his phone, the brightness on its lowest so that he wouldn't wake the sleeping Sicheng. 

His fingers moved automatically, as if out of reflex towards his Instagram, scrolling through comments and DM's, letting it all sink in, taking in every and each one of those comments as fog takes over the forest. One specific comment caught his attention, his eyes stuck in the words as if the answers to the unknowns of the universe were written there, he analysed the words, dived into the sentence and concluded he would press the link included in the message. 

He dares not say what was written there for mouthing the words would be too painful but, if that person was right, then maybe, just maybe, that link would have the answers he so desperately looked for. 

As the link opened in his safari, big pink letters greeted him: "Ana and Mia with a brain," was what was written there. A sea of questions arose in his brain, hitting him like the waves hit the sand at night, leaving nothing but chaos and foam that prevents light from passing through. 

He continued reading, despite his brain begging him not to. His finger scrolling down until it landed on a picture, a picture of a girl standing there in nothing but her underwear and some shorts. 

But, what really called his attention wasn't the lack of clothes of the girl standing in front of him, it was the way her collarbones said hello, sticking out as if they were going to break through her skin at any second, it was the way her hipbones could be seen even under her shorts, the way her cheeks and eyes sunk, the purple circles under the blue orbs, it was the way her ribs could be seen without much effort and, as he stared at the picture in front of him, fear seeped inside him, not fear of the girl in his phone but fear of the fact that he found himself mesmerized by her figure. 

He caught himself staring at that girl with something more than surprise, he was impressed, impressed that someone could get to be that thin, surprised because her thighs didn't touch, because her collar bones just looked so beautiful and because...he wanted that. 

He wanted his thighs to not touch, his ribs to be seen, his collarbones on display because that would mean he would no longer be fat, no longer look at the scale and feel disgusted, no longer receive comments telling him how terribly ugly he was, no longer...no longer... no longer feel repulsion wash over him every time he looked at his reflection in the mirror. 

...he couldn't, no, he couldn't. There was no way that girl was healthy, no way she was happy even if a smile decorated her face. There was no way he would have enough energy to endure 12 hours of practice if he was like that and, there was no way...no way he would lose control like that. He wasn't like that girl, he could control his body, his mind, he was not...sick. 

Was.

He logged out and moved towards his notes, where the diet plan was written. He stared at it, the picture of the girl still stuck in his mind. 

As he read over what he was and wasn't supposed to eat, he noticed he could do much more than that, reach the weight goal much faster than expected and so, he went back to the link in his safari. He scrolled past the picture and started reading the section below the title "Tips and Tricks."

Eat no more than 7 bites every meal.  
If you are hungry, drink water. Water has no calories, so you won't get fat.  
Eat no more than 700 kcal every day. 300 kcal is perfect.  
Remember, mouth closed, no kilos.  
If you eat more than 700 kcal, exercise. 

Below that, there was a list of exercises he could do, exercises that would make him lose weight, make him look more "like an idol" as his manager had said. 

He read. Yes, he knew that dancing for about 9 hours a day would be enough exercise...if he wanted to be fat. He copied the tips and pasted them in the same place his manager had written the diet plan, and just below it, he wrote the exercise plan he would follow. He wrote every single exercise in the list and more, wanting to make sure that he would lose weight. 

He knew that he was wrong, in some way or form, wrong but, if being wrong meant he would finally be enough, then it was worth it. 

He turned off his phone and stared into the white wall in front of him. He noticed the small black dots in it, how they danced around the whiteness, he breathed in and out, his hands shaky and eyes blurry. He didn't even know why he was crying, he didn't know why he felt like such a waste, he just wanted to stop feeling that way. 

He wanted to stop hearing the voices in his head reminding him of just how much of a failure he was, wanted to feel the way he felt when he just joined NCT, wanted to feel the way he felt 3 months ago, wanted to...wanted to go back to living and at the same time, stop living the way he was living. 

Xuxi cried, he let tears escape his dark eyes. His eyes reflected the charcoal clouds above him, their dark beauty lost to this victim of the night, two pristine stones of onyx consumed by sadness and pain. 

The sun came, rising so shamelessly as if someone below wasn't suffering. The rays washed the room, and by the time Xuxi had opened his puffy eyes completely, Sicheng was already awake, still beside him in that cramped bed. 

Just like a few hours ago, he didn't know when he had fallen asleep. He knew how he had gone to sleep, his phone still in his hands, pressed against his chest as if it would give him some sort of support. Tears were still rolling down his cheeks when he had fallen prey to Morpheus, the wetness in his pillow being the only witness. 

Sicheng caressed his brown locks and hummed a melody Xuxi was a stranger to. He was still looking directly into the white wall of that tiny room, still staring at the dancing black dots. He felt Sicheng move behind him and quickly closed his eyes, not ready to face the real world just yet. 

Sicheng stood up, Xuxi felt the door open, and close. Xuxi heard his ge's voice telling the others how he was still asleep. 

Xuxi noticed the lies piling up.

Xuxi grabbed at the fat in his stomach. 

Xuxi opened his phone. 

Xuxi read comments. 

Xuxi stopped eating. 

Xuxi started to exercise too much.

Xuxi started to cut. 

Xuxi was sad. 

Xuxi had anxiety attacks every day. 

Xuxi couldn't dance anymore.

Xuxi was scared of himself. 

Xuxi threw up after eating. 

Xuxi couldn't sleep.

Xuxi was dying.

Who was Xuxi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see I have quite the experience with EDs 😅
> 
> Let me know what you thought about this chapter!!! 
> 
> I'm going to rant here so you don't have to read but, I would recommend reading the first point at least. 💜
> 
> 1\. I urge to please not take any of the "advice" that is given in the story, it's just given so you can see how awful they are. They are not realistic nor good for your body, eating 300 kcal a day is in no way healthy so please just remember this is a story and that you'll see how taking that advice can really harm you. If those ideas are triggering for anyone reading please tell me and I'll delete that part of the story. 
> 
> 2\. If anyone is thinking about turning to unhealthy habits to lose weight please remember you are beautiful the way you are, there is no need for you to change anything, there are much, MUCH healthier ways to lose weight than starving yourself or purging. Believe me, been there, done that it isn't worth it and I know that it's hard to understand that but please try. 
> 
> 3\. The last part of this chapter is just a little foreshadowing to what will happen through the story so don't panic...but panic k?
> 
> LUV YOU BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEINGS ❤


	4. I am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to @Vante_02 for saving me from HTML hahaha 
> 
> I've been reading this story that, ten out of ten, would recommend if you are into heavy angst and My Hero Academia. It's called "The Kids Will Be Alright Eventually" and aaah it's so sad and so pwetty, but sad, I cry.
> 
> That was my shoutout just cause, it's too good. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Three weeks.

It had been three weeks since Kai and Taemin had found him in that dirty bathroom. Three weeks since he had received the diet plan by his manager. Three weeks since he had seen the picture of that  _ perfect _ \- no, sick, girl. Three weeks since he had found himself completely unworthy of being an idol, no, that isn't true, he had known he was unworthy of being an idol the second he stepped inside the company but, they were three weeks since the voices inside his head had started to matter a lot more. 

Three weeks...three weeks and absolutely nothing was better.

A heavy sigh pushed its way past his lips as he carried his body to Nct U's dance practice. His forehead was sweaty and his muscles achy, not surprising considering he had just been in SuperM's practice, which had been just after WayV's one.

He knew that Ten, Taeyong and Mark were probably just as purely exhausted as he was but, that was different because  _ they  _ were different.

None of them would break like a stick every time a complete  _ stranger  _ sent an offensive message to their DMs, nor would they go into full-blown panic mode every time someone mentioned going out to eat...eat..he cringed at the thought.

Food was a...delicate topic in his brain, to say the least. It had been only three weeks since his perfectly adjusted, courtesy of himself in collaboration with his manager, diet plan had begun. Seven bites every meal being the norm, no dinners, and when hungry he would drink water.

Sure, it was hard, cravings attacking him every so often...more often than he would like to admit but he knew from the start that he wouldn't be able to follow all the rules at once, he would have to go slow but, that didn't stop the voices in his head telling oh how useless he was... A whiny bitch, they had said. 

He had started with 15 bites per meal, small dinner, 1000kcal a day, he thought he was doing ok, he didn't feel too tired, and it looked, just a little, like he may actually be accomplishing his goal of looking decent enough to be considered an idol... that was all shattered once he looked at the scale after the second week. 

Their manager had come in, scale in hand. They all knew what a weight check was, they had been doing it since they were trainees so, it wasn't something unusual. What  _ was  _ unusual was the feeling of dread that overwhelmed him when he looked at the small machine as if it was ready to swallow him into a black hole and keep him captive in his misery. 

Despite that, he still stepped foot on the thing, swallowing the lump in his throat or at least, attempting to. 

His brain had begged him not to look at the number below him but, after seeing his manager's face, filled with confusion, he had no option but to look.

62kg...

62kg

_ 62 kg?!  _

He was dizzy, needed to sit down-

No, he needed to escape, run as fast as his legs allowed him to but instead, he just stepped down the scale, his eyes never leaving the number as it went down to 0. 

He caught his manager's face before excusing himself to the bathroom and once outside the room, he let the tears run free. 

2kg...that was it, that was all he had accomplished in two full weeks. Useless, was what the voices said. So fucking useless, was what he repeated after them.

He knew, somewhere in his muddled brain, that he was being irrational. It had only been two weeks,  _ only  _ two weeks, he wasn't supposed to go down 10kg in two weeks, it was dumb to even think like that, yet, he still found himself sobbing over it. 

Eventually, he reached the bathroom, he closed the door and walked inside, small steps inside the white room. Thanking every deity for the fact that the bathrooms were private. 

He stood in front of the mirror and what looked back at him wasn't him, it couldn't be, just hours ago he had looked in the mirror and thought, "Well, it's not that bad," and now,  _ now  _ what he saw were chubby cheeks, fat arms, every single imperfection pointed out to him as if it were a corrected test. 

He stared at that person in the mirror, afraid that what the glass was telling him was true. 

His eyes travelled from his hair to his face, reaching his eyes until both, that  _ somebody  _ inside the mirror and him were staring at each other.

Once upon a time, he had seen a spark in those eyes, obvious even to him, now, darkness replaced that light that had once resided in the dark brown orbs. 

The more he stared at that figure, the more he realized why people called him fat, why they pointed out every flaw, every imperfection, everything wrong with him because, there were  _ so many things  _ wrong with him. 

He cried. Hand pressed against his mouth in a futile attempt to cover the heartbreaking sobs that escaped his lips. 

His eyes kept going, staring at every piece of skin, skin that he had become so unfamiliar to in the past months. 

He stared at his arms,  _ fat _ , the voices said, a small, humourless laugh followed them. 

"I know," he said out loud, the mouth of that figure standing in front of him moving when he did. 

He stared at his collar bones. 

Not enough. He thought. He wanted his collar bones to look at him the way that girl's bones di- no, no, what was  _ wrong  _ with him?! That girl was sick, she wasn't pretty, he  _ didn't  _ want to look like that...right?

He wasn't even sure of what he wanted at this point. He wanted to look good, wanted to stand next to his members and not be overwhelmed by his thoughts pointing out everything the other boys had and he didn't. 

Perfect skin. 

Thigh gaps.

Thin arms. 

Tiny waists. 

And, even if they didn't, they had strong arms and marked abs and beautiful faces and, he was...he was  _ him.  _

His body too lanky "90% legs" someone had said. His face too small, his ears too big, his thighs too fat, his stomach not flat, his brain not enough, his voice too weird. 

He was obnoxious and loud, and that was a problem but, when he wasn't, he was suddenly arrogant. He was touchy, and people said "too clingy", "annoying", but when he wasn't that was also wrong. 

Then...what  _ was  _ he supposed to be. He couldn't be him because that was wrong, but he couldn't be someone else because he didn't know how to  _ do  _ that. 

He was not enough, never going to be enough. 

With this realization, he fell. His knees hitting the tile floor, his fingers grasped at the porcelain sink in a desperate attempt to  _ survive _ because he wasn't sure how to do that by himself anymore. 

Eventually, his fingers fell by his side, they too hitting the cold floor, falling like the last pieces of a broken window, finally giving up on trying to hold up. 

He had stayed there, curled up in a ball of shame and disgust until he felt ready to leave the small room. 

He had walked back to the studio feeling like his body wasn't even his.

He had opened the door and plastered a smile on his face. 

He had chatted with Kunhang and Dejun. 

He had played with Yangyang. 

He had danced. 

And after all, he still hid in the bathroom that night and cried, hands grabbing the ugly fat in his stomach, tears landing on his fat thighs, mind running away from him yet his thoughts still reminded him of just how much of a waste of oxygen he was. 

That all led to this moment, him seating in a circle with the rest of the members, staring at his food as if it had offended him, it probably did. 

He took the first bite, then the second, the third and then he couldn't stop. Soon enough the whole plate was gone, and he found himself staring at his member's perfect bodies. 

He felt tears prickling behind his eyes, a lump forming in his throat and he had to force himself to stop staring if he didn't want to have a complete meltdown in front of the 22 boys. 

Xuxi stared at his plate again, his mind swimming in an infinite ocean of numbers, and tips from the blog and thoughts and suddenly, one of his memories caught his attention. 

He quickly pulled his phone out, trying to confirm if his mind was failing him or not. 

He opened safari, and the first page to appear was the blog he had been so immersed in for the past weeks. He scrolled down, desperately looking for an answer to his lack of control because  _ how could he  _ be so, so  _ dumb _ ? Eat a whole plate as if he wasn't fat enough. 

How many calories were there? There  _ had  _ to be more than a thousand. 

The thought made him nauseous. 

He kept looking, frantically looking for something in this damn blog that would help him get rid of all those calories, something that- there it is. 

"Purging." Big, red letters greeting him. He was no stranger to the concept, just never had enough courage to do it, or the need but  _ now _ , he not only wanted but he  _ needed _ to do it, so desperately needed to feel less heavy, for nausea to stop, for his brain to stop reminding him how fat, and dumb, stupid he was. 

He stood up, throwing the now empty plate in the bin. His legs moved towards his new favourite spot in the whole company, the bathroom. 

With shaky hands, he locked the door and stood there, just stood there with the toilet in front of him. 

He kneeled down while opening the lid and for a second, only a second, he regretted being there. His mind helped him focus.

_ Don't be a baby. You already have so many flaws, want to add coward to the list?  _

No, he didn't. 

He slid his index and middle finger inside his mouth, gagging at the sensation, but didn't stop. 

He did what the blog said, a weird motion with his fingers, and soon, he was emptying the contents inside his stomach in the dirty toilet water in front of him. 

Once he started, he couldn't stop. He brought his fingers inside his mouth over and over again until all he felt was his burning throat. Heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard in the room. 

His throat was dry and burning, his eyes stinging, his breathing ragged but at least, now the heaviness was gone. All the disgusting calories flushed down the toilet, and a weird sense of relief filled him. 

He hadn't realized it yet, but the image of that skinny girl was slowly becoming his reality. 

He wasn't like that girl, he wasn't sick...yes, he  _ wasn't.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? :3 
> 
> In that book I mentioned before the writing it's just so sbfasdb it makes you feel like someone is squeezing your heart out and it hurts :( but it's also pretty hahahha my objective with this story is to convey those same feelings and make you guys feel like your heart is being squeezed out...that sounds bad but it's the truth hehehe
> 
> Comments keep me alive so they are greatly appreciated hehehhe


	5. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xuxi discovers physical pain is the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last few chapters have been really dammed short 😓 I'm sowy.   
> I'll probably upload the next chapter this same week to make up for taking so long to update. 
> 
> I hope you like it :3

Breathe in, and out. Breathe in, and out. 

Puffs of air left his mouth, covering the mirrors of the dance studio. 

His hands rested on his knees, shaking. 

His heart bounced against his ribcage as if trying to escape the bony cage. 

Finally, his head moved. His eyes locked with the reflection in front of him.

Grey sweat pants, white tank top, both covered in sweat. Brown hair stuck to his sweaty forehead, doing nothing to aid the heat emanating from his skin. 

Breathe in, and out. In, and out. 

His muscles burnt, a pleasant sting running through his arms and legs.

Dizziness overcame his brain, leaving him in a weird limbo. His stomach growled and protested from the lack of food, but he still had energy. 

He assumed it was okay, he could keep going. 

His hands left their place on his knees, and the music was on again. 

Autopilot. That would be the best way to describe how Xuxi's body had been moving for the past four hours. Muscles aching, burning and screaming, begging for Xuxi to stop. 

He couldn't. No, he couldn't. His muscles would have to suck it up. He had to get better and, when one had no talent or a pretty face, the only thing he had left was hard work.

"Beggars can't be choosers,"- His mind provided. 

Breathe in and out...and out.

The music stopped, the song came to an end. Xuxi's body sang with joy at the small break. 

His body felt like giving up, but that was nothing new, he's been on the verge of giving up for months now. 

His knees buckled and, with a loud thump, he fell to the floor, his already bruised knees welcoming the impact. His arms travelled to his eyes, pressing the heels of his hands to the orbs, making small white dots dance in his vision. 

He felt dizzy and tired and overall exhausted, but he couldn't seem to stop. His body was pleading, screaming at him to stop, but his mind told him to keep going because this was not enough, he was not enough. 

He felt bile rising up his throat, and his tired legs moved faster than his brain. He was suddenly in front of the toilet, expelling the contents inside his stomach, nothing but water coming out of him. 

The lack of food inside him made the acid that climbed up his throat claw at his flesh as if it was a hungry wolf, eating him alive. Tears spilt from his eyes, splashing on the dirty toilet water and with the last strings of self-control he still possessed, he stopped the sob that threatened to burst out of his chest. 

The once pleasant sting in his muscles was now a stabbing pain in his arms and legs, making him double over in pain. A low whimper made its way out of his lips, throwing to the trash any amount of dignity he still had. 

Breathe in, and out. 

He stood up, flushed the toilet, rinsed the disgusting taste from his mouth and walked away from the bathroom, closing the door behind him. 

Deep breaths, he kept repeating to himself. 

As his tired legs walked to the studio, his brain provided him with all the reasons why he deserved this. Reasons why he deserved the pain in his muscles and the exhaustion that crept into his every step. Reasons why he should stop pretending to be an idol and disappear, for the sake of everyone. 

A rebel tear made its way down his cheek, his fingers cleaning it speedily so that the evidence of his misery wasn't noticeable. 

Breathe in and...

He wasn't sure how but, eventually, he reached the empty studio, the only evidence that it had been used was the faint light that could be seen through the gap between the floor and the door. 

Slowly, he made his way into the deserted room, his feet sliding heavily against the wooden floor. 

His eyes travelled towards the black speaker in the corner of the room. He considered, for a second and only a second, to start the music again and keep dancing, but his muscles refused to work, barely making it to the centre of the room before collapsing, his back hitting the cold floor, his arms sprawled, sweat spilling in the wood. 

Breathe in...

Between the fogginess that took over his brain, he looked up to the clock in the wall. 

Two-thirty.

A small chuckle left his lips. He had left the dorm at eight. It's only been 6 hours and a half, and he was already this tired, only proving how weak he was. 

If you think about it, he had been dancing and in vocal practice with the others for 8 hours before he began practising on his own which amounted to almost 15 hours total of him working but, of course, his mind wouldn't consider that. 

Again, he pressed his hands on his eyes, white dots danced around the darkness his closed eyes provided. There, laying on the wooden floor of that soundless studio, he let his mind wander. He didn't exactly know where his mind would go. Let it be the brightest or the darkest places, he couldn't bring himself to care anymore. 

Breathe...

He...He couldn't. He couldn't breathe. His fingers clutched the white fabric as if somehow, in some way, he would be able to breathe again. Desperate gasps left his lips, searching and pleading for air to enter because he was suffocating and, at this point, he was sure he was dying because he couldn't breathe and...please...someone...help him. 

A sob wracked his body, shook his core, but air would not come. He was alone, in that cold room, and he could not breathe. 

He sat up, frantically searching for oxygen to fill his lungs. 

Without him noticing, his nails had dug deep crescents on his palms, blood spilling from the tiny cuts. He stared at his hands, taking in the scene before noticing he could breathe better, the suffocating feeling reduced to something smaller, quieter. 

He pressed his nails into the cuts again, hissing at the pain. He soon noticed that the physical pain overpowered the emotional one. 

It was not enough, he noticed, not enough to stop his trembling hands and ragged breathing. More, he needed more. 

His nails dug deeper now, a miserable whimper leaving his mouth as the amount of blood in his hands grew. 

Even then, with pained hands and bloody palms, he felt relief wash over him. 

Breathe in, and out. Breathe in, and out. 

He could do it now, breathing, that stupid little action everyone took for granted? That had been hard for him 5 minutes ago. 

He stared at his hands again. A small smile crossed his face. 

That day he discovered that physical pain was the answer to stop his emotional suffering. The simple act of digging his nails into his palms was the most efficient thing he had found to stop the panic attacks that hunted him.

Now, he just had to discover what other thing he could do to stop his mind from wandering into the wrong places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem...I don't really like this so I kept deleting it and re-writing it but to be honest, I could've repeated it a hundred times and I would've never liked it sooo yeah hahha
> 
> Remember that comments are my main source of life, I don't go out to the sun much so the love from your comments will have to make up for the lack of vitamins hehhehe
> 
> Luv you beautiful human beings 💜💜


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